happy chinese new year!

• the other day, i thought my world was falling into pieces.  i was sick physically and emotionally.  my heart bled and bucket loads of tears were shed.  i felt all alone.  left without knowing why or what i did wrong.

• that night, as i tried to distract myself from thinking destruction… i tried to surf online.  i tried to read and read and read.  hoping that by doing so, i would somehow forget what i was into so i can take a breather. but to no avail, tears kept falling as if a broken faucet that leaked incessantly.

• i tried playing my itunes.  hip hop. yeah that could make me feel a little better.  but i was mistaken, even dance music makes me feel sad.

• i tried being “available” on ym (which i rarely do).  may be that’s my saying, “i needed someone to talk to because the pain is too unbearable for me to carry alone.”  alas, a heaven sent soul buzzed.  she kinda stayed with me throughout my night.  as we talked my heart felt a little lighter.  indeed, verbalizing my emotions helped.

• ms. jovi told me to blog and that it would help.  that’s when i realized i began typing without thinking. hence, my earlier entry.  i just let my emotions take over.  my tears fell as i type. i managed to summarize what i felt in a few words.  then comments of support poured in. that’s when i realized i was not alone in this journey.

• when i woke up the following morning, i still hasn’t recovered from being sick.  but i had to drag myself out of bed to go to school ‘coz i made a promise to our dean that i will see the overall presentation for the nursing department.  with eyes swollen, i drove to school.

• i was hoping that by keeping myself busy, i would take a rest from the emotional baggage i was carrying that day.  practice, costumes, rehearsals, doing thesis on the side… all of it was occupying my time.  but every time i take a break, i silently shed a tear or two.  and when asked by my classmates, i can’t help but tell a white lie that i was just sick.  hence, the watery eyes.

• i don’t want to go home anytime soon.  i don’t want to be alone in my room again.  i don’t want to lie on my bed with my computer pretending as if i were ok.

• the rehearsals ended by 11pm.  i was tired…dead tired.  but it was better than going home to a cold empty bed.  as i drove home from mandaluyong to quezon city, i was not that lonely anymore ‘coz i know i would be coming home to my online friends who are patiently waiting. (i just want to clarify that i do have friends but my situation is a bit difficult to share with them as of the moment).

• this morning, i woke up with a renewed hope.  yup, it’s chinese new year indeed.  may be my year is just starting today.  may be it would be better.  

happy new year everyone.  and to all those kindred spirits who never failed to give their hugs and support… maraming, maraming salamat po. mahal ko kayong lahat walang biro